These are my Confessions...

For those wanting to know a little more about me. For those wanting to know what a day in the life of me is like. For those who just need a laugh or can relate. For those jealous, stalking, manipulative, and curious. For those cheerful, loving, concerned, and attentive. Here are my confessions...

-I miss my old last name..not because I don't love my new one but because I feel like that part of me is missing that I'll never get back.

-I love my "new" job but deep down inside know I'm worth much more...I still want to push the envelope.


-I'm a tummy sleeper, mouth half open, snoring type of gal.


-I'm a planner and sometimes I work myself into a frenzy if I'm not on track.


-I'm carefree but secretly anal in many ways.


-I'm terrified of dying someday...I'm terrified of losing any of my loved ones and will probably never recover fully from their deaths.


-I'm a snuggler...my way of showing you love isn't merely through words its through actions. I'm a physical person and always will be.


-I DO NOT tolerate ignorance. If you cannot act your age, then you're not worth my time.


-I'm a talker. If you have a problem I'd prefer you talk to me instead of everyone around me. 


-I'm stubborn. My husband will tell you. (giggles) If you upset me, I will walk away. It's become second nature because I've been hurt too many times in the past. But, I'll always come back...I just need my time.


-Don't cross me. There's some deep-seeded anger in there somewhere that's just waiting to come out someday. Luckily, the sensible part of my brain usually takes over. 


-I miss college. I had way more friends then. Now, all I do is eat, sleep, and work. 


-I've got baby fever. I won't deny it any longer! Sometimes it thoroughly consumes my thoughts. I blame it on the nursery at work. Or maybe on the fact that we had to give away our cats when we moved. Or simply because I'm jealous of my friends and coworkers who are pregnant. Whatever it is it's like a plague that won't go away. 


-I feel alone. When my husband isn't here, when the lights are off and Xbox, Netflix, or books don't interest me I'm left with my thoughts and an empty house. It's no fun. Cleaning only takes so long, eating out all the time gets expensive, and sometimes I just don't feel like being around people. Yet, being alone doesn't make me feel better either. It's a hopeless cycle that I find myself entering often. 


-I miss my family...a lot. If I had the time, money, energy, job, etc. I would move closer to them in a heartbeat. So its only two hours away...but I feel like there are so many things I'm missing out on. Getting older sucks. Yeah yeah, I'm only 22 and I've got a lot of life left to live. But, I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about the fears and joys of birth, death, injury, disease, illness, etc. The everyday things we take for granted. And it is those things I miss, daily. I miss my close love/hate relationship with my brother (being goofy at the dinner table, wrestling on the living room floor, bickering over whose fault was whose). I miss pancakes and loaded french fries with my dad (snuggling on the floor watching golf, fishing in the john boat). I miss long talks with my mom (boy drama, friend drama, life drama). I miss Christmas' with my extended family that didn't involve drama or travel or grudges. Change complicates things but it also makes you appreciate things so much more. I appreciate my family in such a different way at this age than I did at 16 or even 10. I've finally reached that milestone, where I get IT. I understand all the grounding and lectures. The late night screaming/bawling sessions trying to argue what I thought was a valid point (at the time). I only hope that someday I can teach my children to be even half the people my parents and grandparents are today. 


-I'm a sucker for caramels, wrinkly dogs, roses, sunshine, breakfast in bed, HOT showers, back massages, sour candy, romantic gestures, cute notes/texts, and people in need.


-I love helping people. I get undeniable satisfaction out of helping others. Whether its a few words, a smile, a gesture, or a year long project...I want need to help people. I may be degraded at my job sometimes for wiping someone's butt or nose but you know what?! I don't mind doing it. That's who I AM. I know that my brain, my education, and my time is worth so much more but I like what I do. And if I can leave work and know that I've helped save someone's life or made their day then I've done my job. 


-I'm terrible about initiating things. I'm sure that's why I end up alone at home. I need to initiate plans, date nights, etc. more often. But, as far as I'm concerned...that's also a two-way street. 


-I need a hobby. I love to paint but I don't have the space, time, or energy. Where are my paint brushes...?


-I hate my body. Always have, always will. 


-I'm a penny-pincher. If you give me $50..I'll spend $10 and give you back the rest. Doing things for me is rare...it makes me feel selfish and guilty. 

That's all I've got for now. If you don't like some of the things I had to share then feel free to hit the little red [X] at the top right of your screen.

You see, the truth is, I didn't do this blog for you. I did it for me. All of those things I don't take time to reflect on, to really mull over, appreciate and/or change. That's what this is. It's just another slice into this chaos I call life.