Bad Mommy

Don't let this little face fool you. Most days now are like this:

or this:

As soon as I see that little lip quiver and those eyes sadden I get the biggest heaviness in my heart. I feel terrible. Like I'm not doing something right. 

From the beginning Annalise has always had this kind of fussiness about her. Not colicky, fussy. When I think of colic I think of endless hours of screaming and crying. She doesn't do that.

Annalise's fussiness usually occurs right when she wakes up before she eats and currently while she's breastfeeding and when she's ready for a nap. It's like clockwork. At least, most of the time. When she's angry she's either really, really hungry or tired. 

She's now almost 4 months old and I still question these things. I wish I could say that she's generally a happy baby but she really hasn't been. Her thoughts are ahead of her body and I can just see how frustrated she gets when she can't do something her mind is telling her to. 

She loves to stand but can't walk.

She loves to eat but it doesn't come fast enough.

She loves to talk but can't tell you what she really wants.

She loves baths but can't splash around yet.

She loves her paci but loses it in the night and can't put it in on her own.

She fights sleep.

And nursing.

I love my daughter to death but some days I just have to put her in her crib or on her play mat and walk away. I feel like I'm neglecting her but sometimes I just don't know what she wants. 

To snuggle, to play, to eat, to sleep? 

It's a never-ending battle that I wish I had the answer to.

I wish a lot of things actually.

Like for breastfeeding to not be so hard. I knew from the beginning that it wasn't going to be a 'cake walk.' 

I have had to supplement her several times now. It sucks. I'm just not producing as much milk as I was before I went back to work. I'm trying. I really am. I've tried Gatorade  oatmeal, lactation cookies, brewers yeast tabs, increased water intake, beer, wine, etc. Some yield positive results, some don't. 

Either way I've got a fussy baby who seems to be constantly hungry.

Now don't get me wrong...it wasn't always this way. In fact, at about 2 months old she was a fabulous nurser. And maybe this is just part of her 4 month growth spurt (the fussiness) but I'm at a loss of what to do. I wish there were lactation consultants in my area, I'd go in, in a heartbeat. I'm not ready to give up on you baby girl. I'm not ready to settle for this fussiness, or your health. 

Mommy's trying. I promise. But right now, I feel like a failure. 

I feel like a bad mommy.

I feel like venting.

Period.